So, yesterday I was having a little bit of a rough day. Jon and I are in the midst of a logistical debate about when to have another baby, and between his job, my education, and our insurance refusing to cover maternity, it's sort of a nightmare. It's been on my mind a LOT lately, and I wasn't really sure if it was because I WANTED another baby, or felt like we were SUPPOSED to have another baby, or just felt PRESSURED by the outside world (read: well meaning family and friends) to have another baby. I was starting to wonder if my decision to pursue medicine really was selfish and not compatible with good parenting like so many other well meaning people I know seem to believe. By the end of the night I was really a little bit down about it.
Well, I went to sleep, and had an AMAZING dream. In this dream, it was PERFECTLY CRYSTAL CLEAR that I was making the right choices in my life, and that not only was it okay for me to pursue medical school, but it truly is something I was MEANT to do. I woke up this morning feeling totally refreshed, and totally supported, not by Jon or anyone else (I already felt supported by Jon), but with confidence that Heavenly Father not only supported my decision, but that He made this plan for me. He put this love into me, this thing inside me that awakens when I'm in the OR, or talking with physicians. It's not a struggle, or a temptation, or something that I have to overcome in order to be a good parent, it's what makes me who I am, and it's something that He wants me to pursue.
I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off of my chest this morning. I know it will still be a long road, and that I will have to work extra hard to ensure that my child(ren) are still the most important things in my life, and that my husband knows how much I love him, and appreciate him, but today, the task doesn't seem so insurmountable, and my lingering "doubts," have all but vanished. What a phenomenal experience. I have to admit, I've never really had one of those Earth Shattering, the Lord is talking to you right NOW moments, but looking back over the past week, I can honestly see His work in my life. And, it's a pretty great feeling. For example, the other day, when I was having the same doubts, I decided to flip to a random page in my "daily devotional" book from the D&C. (Or I should say, Doctrine and Covenants, since Jon HATES that abbreviation). The devotional for the day (April 23) said this:
"For all have not every gift given unto them. For there are many gifts and to every man given a gift by the spirit of God. To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby."
Then, Tuesday, when I was struggling with the fact that I struggle so often with the church, and it seems to come more difficulty to me than those around me, I flipped to the devotional for Tuesday, and it read:
"I John saw that he received not of the fulness at first, but received grace for grace; and he received not of the fulness at first, but continued from grace to grace until he received a fulness."
Anyway, I'm usually not one to talk about my faith, be it struggles with it, or victories pertaining to it, publicly, I'm pretty private in that sense. But, I felt so loved and uplifted by these experiences, that I felt like I HAD to share them.
PS-In case any of you are still wondering, we still haven't come to a decision regarding another baby, so no need to ask! :P
2 comments:
Wow Kelley...you are amazing! You are such a strong person and I admire you so much. I think it is so awesome that you are following your dreams. Thanks for your awesome example!
Kelley - I hope you won't take this as too intrusive. I've been reading your blog sympathetically for a while.
You talk about struggling with church. May I suggest to you that there is a reason for this: You're looking for a real relationship with God, and true forgiveness of sins, and the LDS can't give you that. Joseph Smith and his successors talk about Jesus, but they've changed things, so that you don't hear about the real Jesus of the Bible.
The verse you quoted from Doctrine and Covenants is a misreading of the real passage in John 1: 15-19:
"John bore witness of him [Jesus], and cried, saying, 'This was he of whom I said, He who comes after me is preferred before me, for he existed before me.'
"And of his fullness have we all received, and grace after grace. For the law was given by Moses, but grace and truth came by Jesus Christ.
"No man has seen God at any time. The only begotten Son, who is in the bosom of the Father, has declared him."
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